Abortion Wise: Tools for Wholeness and Integration eBook

Abortion Recovery Essentials

 If you are reading this, you have either had 1 or more abortions, or are thinking about having one.  You are probably experiencing a lot right now… pain, grief, loneliness, anger, guilt, blame self-punishment, numbness, confusion, even fear.I want you to know that You are not alone. Many, many women have been in your shoes and many, many more will be at some point.

•  I want you to know that help, hope and healing are available for you.
•  You can feel whole again and be at peace with your decision.
• You can have a healthy relationship and a family of your own, if that’s what you want.

Here’s what else I want you to know:

• It’s ok to have feelings about this.  Choosing to interrupt a process that, if left alone could result in a human life, is a big deal. There is no getting around that. Sometimes I see women who minimize or don’t fully grasp that an abortion is a significant life event. The first step to recovery and healing is to acknowledge that — and welcome the entire gamut of emotions and reactions that can arise.
•  It’s ok to talk about this.  Abortion is taboo and controversial in our culture, so lots of women feel shame if they’ve had one.  The problem with that is this: it inhibits a woman’s healing process. Sharing your experience in a safe place, as well as hearing from other women who have gone through the same thing breaks through the shame and isolation so you can start to feel whole again.
• You are not alone. You are not the first or the last woman to navigate this experience.  Studies show that about 40% of American women have had an abortion at some point in their lives.  That means if you are in a room with 10 women, 4 have had or will have an abortion.  But since most women don’t talk about it, each of those women may assume she is the only one. But I’m telling you, it’s so much more common than you think.

There are so many ways having an abortion affects a woman, and each woman’s experience is different.Here are some stories I’ve heard from women:

• My best friend is pregnant.  I wish I could be happy for her but I feel sad.
• I’m afraid I won’t be able to have kids in the future as a punishment for what I’ve done.
• I feel like I’m a bad person
• I believe I don’t deserve a healthy relationship, to have a child, or to have any good things in my life.
• I feel judged, condemned or abandoned by God.
• I felt relieved at first, but now I feel guilty.
• I had an abortion 10 (or more) years ago and now that I’m approaching the    end of my fertility years, I feel like I ruined the only chance I had to be a mother.
• I regret what I did and worry that I made the wrong choice. 
• I’m so depressed.  I don’t want to get out of bed, and when I do, I am dragging myself through the day.  I can’t concentrate or feel excited about anything.
• I see constant reminders of my abortion; when I see young children playing in the park, a pregnant woman loading groceries, a husband kissing a wife, I feel sad and think I will never have those things.
• I want to talk to my mom, but she’s desperately waiting for a grandchild.
• I want to talk to my sister but she’s pregnant and it doesn’t seem appropriate.

• I want to talk to my partner but he won’t call me… not since I told him that    I’m pregnant.
• I feel confused, numb, angry, anxious, depressed.
• I blame myself for missing a birth control pill, not using emergency       contraception, for feeling exempt from biology, for allowing passion to get in   the way of her responsibility.

See… you are NOT ALONE in this!

  Pain from an abortion can show up in ways you are aware of and ways you are not.

 Here are some ways an abortion may be affecting you, under the radar:

•  It’s been months or years and you’ve never told anyone.
• You write the experience off and say, “It wasn’t a big deal.”
• You feel numb much of the time.  Though not unpleasant, you can tell something is “off” if you really consider it.
• You have buried your secret so deeply that it doesn’t affect you anymore.
• You have never cried about it.
• You have upset thoughts each month in coordination with your menstrual cycle.
• You feel sadness around each anniversary of the abortion date.
• You feel anger, frustration or depression when you discuss contraception.
• You are using more substances like drugs or alcohol to cope with pain.
• You have either completely shut down your sexuality or have acted out in promiscuous ways.

 **Page 6**

If You Are Pregnant Now and Considering An Abortion

First of all, keep in mind that women in all kinds of circumstances, from all walks of life have faced or will face this decision: women who are single, married, in a relationship, have kids, have never had kids, have had an abortion before, or have never been pregnant before.Here is some help for you as you make this decision for yourself:

• Don’t Isolate. Because of shame, it’s common to feel like you can’t share your situation with anyone.  But getting the right support can spare you a lot of unnecessary suffering. I’m not saying it will be easy, but you are not meant to go through this alone.

 I do want to stress the importance of finding the right support. You need to feel safe enough to be completely honest with whomever you are confiding in.  A friend, family member, counselor, or someone who has gone through this herself can be a good option.  

Make sure this person has no agenda or opinion on your decision.  That means if your mom really wants you to have a baby, or a friend has very clear opposition to having an abortion, they may not be the right people.

As a trained therapist I can help you to explore this decision without an agenda, judgment or expectation about whatever you say or do.  You can also feel safe knowing that our relationship is 100% confidential.

• Remember, you are not the first or last person to face this. As I said above, 4 of 10 women in America experience abortions, so you are not alone. It’s just not talked about, so it can feel like you are the only one.

• Know what to expect. Although every woman’s experience is different, there are some common reactions that can come up before and after an abortion. Understand that if you make the choice to end a pregnancy, there will be emotions to process and healing to be done.  The physical procedure itself is just part of the process, many women are not prepared for the emotional content that surfaces.

• Realize this is a big decision. You are making a choice to either end your pregnancy or carry your pregnancy to term, give birth, and then either raise that baby or give it to someone else to do so. There is no getting around the significance of this choice. So pause for a moment and acknowledge that this is a big deal.

 This decision can be very clear to you — or very confusing.  Weigh it as much as you can, and do the best you can within your circumstances, support system, emotions and information. You have the ability to make this choice.  Trust that you will make the right one and you will.

• Know that this is a personal choice. While it’s important to seek support, you are the only one who can make this choice, and your voice is the only one that matters.

Again, a trained therapist can help you listen to your own truth without agenda or judgment, and hold your process in the strictest of confidence.

•  Take a deep breath. Seriously, right now, take a slow deep breath.  Feel your feet on the floor, the air on your skin, the sounds in the room.  Take a moment to simply exist in this very moment.  Consider that right now everything is perfect, even if it is incredibly painful.

 **Page 8**

If You Have Had an Abortion in Recent Days, Weeks or Months

 This is a vulnerable, sensitive time that can be tough. But if you make sure to get the right support and commit to your own self-care, you will make it through this time with less suffering, and may even be transformed by the process.

AND,

**Page 10** 

 If You’ve had an Abortion Over 1 Year Ago and Don’t Feel Fully Healed

 Choosing to end a pregnancy is such a big issue; it can be common to bury the effects.  But remember that its meaning will live inside you, affecting your thoughts, feelings and behavior until you allow it to come up and be integrated.If you suspect that an un-integrated abortion in your past is affecting your present, keep these thoughts in mind:

•  Numbness is an appropriate way to deal with something that feels too big to handle. Even though it doesn’t necessarily feel bad, numbness doesn’t mean you are fine. Be open to feeling what is buried just underneath the numbness. This requires courage, strength, curiosity, self-compassion and acceptance.

• Notice any resistance to feeling an emotion. Resistance to face something often comes up as a defense against pain. But if you allow the resistance to melt into the pain it is covering, you will be on your way to letting it go and recovering.

• Notice if you are reacting in an overly masculine way at the thought or mention of your abortion. If you become very tough and insist you are fine, this may be another defense mechanism. Allow yourself to be in touch with subtler feminine qualities including emotionality and surrender.

• Be very honest. Is your un-integrated experience affecting your relationship with yourself, your partner or your association with creating a family in the future? Although it can be painful to admit that unresolved issues are in the way of your relationships, dreams and goals, taking an honest inventory can be the impetus you need to move through them toward healing.

**Page 11**

If You Feel an Abortion is Affecting Your Current Relationship with Your Partner

An abortion can introduce all sorts of new dynamics into an intimate relationship, as well as bring up issues that have been lying under the surface.It is challenging enough to navigate your own experience, but when rockiness in your relationship is added to the picture, don’t blame yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed. And remember again, you and your partner are not alone.Here are some problems I’ve seen women face in their intimate relationships; some issues you may be facing too:

• Dealing with abandonment or break-up because the stress of a pregnancy and/ or abortion decision was too much for the relationship to handle.

• After discovering a pregnancy, you realize your current partner is not the right person to become your life partner and co-parent. You need to face the pain of your decision to end an existing relationship.

• Even if your partner wants to be there for you, he doesn’t know how, and you feel alone.

• Your partner wanted the baby but you didn’t.

• You feel you’re partner is judging you, or is angry with you.

• You both need to grieve but don’t know how.

Here are some things you can do to start the process of healing and integration:

• Go to a therapy session together. A skilled therapist can help you navigate conflict, express stuck emotions, and re-connect as a couple —or separately in a healthy way.

• Try to understand that you may have different processes of grieving. While one of you may need to cry and speak, the partner may need to be alone and silent. Give each other both space and contact according to your different needs and don’t try to force the other to grieve “your way”.

• Be willing to have difficult conversations. Do you need to explore the possibility of separation? Are you or your partner feeling angry? Alone? Needy? Fearful? If you can have these conversations, it can bring you closer to each other and to yourselves.

• Be willing to know your deepest convictions, even if they surprise you. You may realize that you disagree with your partner and that’s ok. All major life events and decisions help us to know who we are. An abortion is no exception.

• Learn to communicate in the midst of emotions. It’s more effective to say, “I’m really angry right now” than to slam the door and run out of the room during a conversation. When times are charged, it’s an opportunity to sharpen your relationship skills.

• Remember that you are both doing the best you can. Pregnancy and termination are emotionally charged events. You are both going to be vulnerable, triggered and reactive. Have compassion for yourself and your partner.

• Work on understanding your needs and ask for them. This seems simple but can be challenging when you are upset. Identify if you need to talk, to be held, or to have some space to yourself. Then, practice asking for those needs to be met in a clear,       compassionate way.

• Watch out for blaming each other. It can be common to look for someone to fault when you are experiencing pain. If you notice you are blaming your partner, pause, take a step back and remind yourself that your experience is your own and though you can share your process with your partner, ultimately you are responsible for your decisions and well-being.

• Don’t use drama as a way to distract yourself from the pain of the situation. Use your experience as an opportunity to grow in yourself and as a couple.

• Remember that touch times can bring up other issues that were present below the surface in your relationship. Stay aware of what issues are directly related to the abortion and what holds more history or weight.